BY DESTINY DESCHENES
My eyes became cloudy. I could feel tears begin to form, my face congested, my eyes puffy, but I was not allowing a single tear to flow. I refused to show the truth behind what had driven me to the brink of insanity. People constantly asking how I was feeling, if I was doing okay. The answer seemed so blatantly obvious to me, I was a total train wreck. I slapped a smile on my face, but you could see it in my eyes; which revealed a silent sorrow that had overthrown me. Unfortunately, nobody looked deep enough. In that moment, I was alone.
It was simple. I was sitting in class, unable to focus. I found I had been asking myself the same questions repetitively.
Why me? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I know sooner?
I was haunted by these questions, but I knew I had to power through.
If I get through this class, I am one class closer to the end of the day. I was forced to slow myself down. One. Step. At. A. Time.
It had started about a week earlier. My mind was crowded with foggy memories of the day my life turned into a disastrous slippery slope. I was never more aware of my surroundings than in that exact moment. I had woken up on a couch with my previously perfectly aligned tooth knocked out of place, my own blood was everywhere. My entire body was aching, and I found an overwhelming heaviness coming over me. The feeling of confusion was similar to that of a slap to the face. Unexpected. Uncontrollable.
Nobody took me seriously. To them, it was just a seizure. It was just something that happened and I had to stop thinking about. I had to grow up and move on. The overall toll it had taken was far more severe than my tooth, which I had gotten fixed quickly after. I missed out on school, and had to do loads of makeup work to keep up the pace I had already set for myself. I had to take medical leave from work, as they would not allow me around a measly pizza oven without a doctor’s note. With all of this weight held on my already weak shoulders, it was hard to stand tall. I felt myself beginning to crumble.
But I still sat in that classroom. I dreamt of how simpler life could have been. I thought about how I could have gotten my license in the new coming months, rather than wait six months to drive with the permit I had already earned. All I ever wanted was to move forward in life, and with this, I took a huge step backward. I dwelled upon this thought of restriction and was flung into a downward spiral. Every. Single. Time. The moment it crossed my mind, it destroyed me. I allowed it to happen. Every. Single. Time.
As the days passed me by I learned to grow stronger, overcoming obstacles in everyday life I had never thought I would have to face. As I pushed through the hardest seven months of my life, my thought process gradually shifted. I found myself more eager to do the things I had missed out on, rather than dread the fact that I had to wait. I was overjoyed to start a new chapter in my life.
I still sit in this classroom, wondering what could have been, but now I have accepted what has happened, and dream of my future as a doctor. I acknowledge the negative aspects of life, and use my experience to push myself in a positive direction. My mind wanders, but it has become less of a nuisance and more of a regular occurrence that is out of my hands. I now daydream about life as a doctor, satisfying and happy. It encourages me to stay on the right path.
My wandering mind has proven itself to be my ultimate weakness at points in my life, but now has brought me greater strength than I would have ever imagined possible.